Dear Planner,

WHERE ARE YOU?
Y U RUN AWAY FROM ME?

Sincerely,
Your owner who loves you very much

A Very Sad Post

AFTER 5 HOURS….

…why do I still feel heavy?

#mehastofinishmyreportby830am
#mustsendittogroupmatesASAP
#orelsegroupmateswillkillme

*Time check: 3:51 AM*

…I think I feel heavy because I know that, in reality, even if we both want things to go back to the way they used to be… IT’LL NEVER HAPPEN. Who are we kidding?
…unless he realizes how unhealthy their relationship is.

#idontthinkimintherightpositiontotellhimthat
#thingswillNEVERbethesamenomatterwhat

…even my feelings don’t know what to feel now. Brain gave up on me too. The only thing I’m sure of is I’m tired.
…what did I ever do to deserve this shit?

Well, it was very comforting to know that he does value our friendship and it was not only who is still trying to save what’s left of it. Although it might not be his fault, I’m pretty sure it isn’t mine either. I’ve been trying to figure out what’s wrong with me to deserve losing a friend for the NTH TIME. (Paulit-ulit na lang. Nakakasawa na.)

…and here I thought third parties only happen in romantic relationships.

People keep on asking me what I want. Honestly, I DON’T F*CK*NG KNOW. I’m not even sure if I want to know. Well, of course there’s one thing that I want to happen. After all, it’s impossible not to know what outcome you want to see, right? But, the fact that I know that what I want to happen WILL NEVER happen makes me feel more hopeless. It’s impossible to happen. HAPPEN. Screw that word. (Not really making sense at 4 in the morning, eh?) But who cares about what they think? I just want to feel light and carefree again–like how I used to feel everyday in the previous semester. I miss getting enough sleep because I don’t have to think about bad things anymore. I miss the life where I just wing it and do what I want to do. I miss laughing non-stop at the stupidest things. I miss not worrying about anything at all. Most of all, I miss answering “I’m fine” to a person asking me “how are you?” and really mean it.

Is it my fault that people think we’re more than what really are? Is it my fault that I value my friends so much and sometimes I just expect too much? But then again, deciding to go back like the way we were before is useless since I know things will never be the same. The thought makes me sad–actually, erase that. The thought kills me, but it’s not like I have much choice left in this situation.

“What now?”
*Wanting to shout, “leave me alone and forget me”* Says: “I don’t know.”

I know that ending our friendship is something I don’t want. See? I know the things that I don’t want, but I don’t know what I want. But the question is: is this about what I want? If it is, then as Black Eyed Peas would have said, “life would be easy”. But I don’t think I’m that selfish. We have to take into consideration the feelings of other people too, you know?

*Time Check: 4:15 AM*

Yeah, I guess you had a good point with the whole, “ending this friendship will be a joke”. No matter how many times we put a stop to it just to avoid hurting other people, we just can’t do it. It’s because we know we’re not doing anything wrong and I admit that I really do enjoy your company. Being able to tell you ANYTHING makes you very important. Funny how we actually talk about not talking to each other anymore, but still finding ourselves laughing at the silliest things.

#couplesfightoverthesethingsnotclosefriendslikeus

I was preparing myself to expect the worst and explain to you what is the logical thing to do in this situation, but when you started talking about how you felt the situation, I couldn’t help but think of the same thing. Kasi naman, the problem is not between us, it’s with your girlfriend who can’t handle a simple, clean friendship.

Histo reporting tomorrow and I’m not even in the mood to finish my part of the group report. Talk about mood swings. Groupmates will definitely kill me if I don’t present a good conclusion for our HUK Rebellion report. I better get some sleep and wake up in less than three hours.

…still feeling heavy

#whatthefuck

People come…
People go…
Then new people come…
You’d think they’re better…
But they end up being the same…
= LIFE

…maybe I should stop investing on people. They’re just a waste of time. It’s going to be the same sh*t all over again, anyway. What’s the point?

#RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT

You know what I want to happen. I know what you want to happen. We keep on waiting for each other’s decisions, which is why nothing’s happening. I’m telling you mine now: I want to TRY to go back to the way things used to be. Now, it’s up to you if you’ll be able to do it too. It’s going to be hard (adding people who are good at backstabbing). I think it’s about time for you to think about the things that you want and not what WE want. Try to be happy, so everyone else can be happy too.

#GULO